“About You And Your Girlfriend…”

A Father/Son Story from the Teenage Years

By Albert Stern

The Scene: My 17-year-old son Eliot (who this summer started seeing his first serious girlfriend) and I are in the car, not long after being told by my bitter half that he won’t talk to her about the things that happen and that doing so was incumbent upon me. Although I’ve published stories about sex that run the gamut from “naughty” to “gleeful filth,” having a conversation of this sort with my own son fills me with a great deal of anxiety.

Me: I really liked your girlfriend and I’m glad I had the chance to meet her and get to know her a little.

[SILENCE]

Me: She’s bright, she’s confident, and she knows how to handle herself in a conversation. I was very impressed.

[SILENCE]

Me: And I can see why she likes you.

[SILENCE]

Me: Did, um, she say anything about meeting…me?

[SILENCE]

Me: Eliot?

[SILENCE]

Me: ELIOT!!!

Eliot: She said she liked you! Okay? She said she liked you.

Me: Good. Was that so hard? You should tell a person something like that. That’s the kind of thing a person likes to hear, that makes a person happy.

[PROLONGED SILENCE]

Me: Um, Eliot…I want you to know that I’m a little uncomfortable talking about this, and understand I don’t mean to pry or embarrass you…but I have to ask: Do you have protection do you know how to use protection are you using protection?

Eliot: DAD! I’m not STUPID!

Me: Eliot…Eliot. Things happen and stupidity has nothing to do with what happens. A person’s level of intelligence isn’t a key factor. What can happen is more a consequence of…urgency and opportunity.

[SILENCE]

Me: I mean, did you know that Albert Einstein, when he was a teenager, knocked up his girlfriend?

Eliot: He did?

Me: No. I don’t know. I just made that up. Because there’s a larger point I’m trying to convey.

Eliot: Dad, I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore.

[SILENCE]

Me: Fair enough.

THE END